I started on keto on May 21st I forget that it's only been three weeks and I'm in the midst of what most anticipate as the "bounceback" that occurs. It's been an interesting time. I picked myself up off the ground and started again on May 9th but struggled with protein bars and coffee that had too much sugar and carbs and I was white knuckling it through hunger. I'm thinking I'm probably in ketosis know and getting closer and closer to full fat adaptation. I've managed to fast since Sunday evening after having a weird weekend of eating and cooking.
I haven't talked to her since the 7th really. There was a sad miscommunication about forgiveness. Oh, christ, what more can even be said? How do you forgive someone for giving you more happiness than you've ever known and then taking it all away? How do you get over it? I don't think you do. I think you just go on, day by day. So that's what I'm doing. I haven't eaten since 6pm on June 11th. It's only Tuesday, June 13th. I plan to go for as long as I can. I just got sick of worry about it all, about measuring everything. I kept going to her blog for cooking tips. Also, I have a lot of questions about things I'm making that compel me to what to contact her but she told me to go away for a month. So...maybe I just need to stop cooking and thus stop eating for a month? It might seem insane but on the balance of everything, I was severely suicidal and this distracts me from that. You have to be constantly vigilant about water intake and cravings. I am having a hot chai at my desk now and have coffee in the mornings. That's it. Plus the water and supplements. But, it's only been 2 days, no need to get ahead of myself. I want to go at least through the weekend. But then at that point given how hard it is to get into steady state, it seems like 14 or 28 days is just cruise control from there so why not? I guess I'll aim for 28 days and then see where I land. My only concern is potassium balance for re-feeding. I might join Dr Fungs distance program if I go beyond 14 days so I have medical advice on re-feeding. Again, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
I miss her every moment of every day. I am getting better at letting it go and just sitting still with it. I don't have to clamp it down and I don't have to act on it. I just sit with the emptiness. The empty stomach, my aching heart, my spinning mind. I just sit with it. I wonder about it. Wonder why it all ever happened. Wonder why she didn't choose to be with me. Wonder if it was all just a lie and a fucking distraction for her. I'm beginning to think so. I'm beginning to think it was just all about the attention because she was bored. She keeps herself busy with cooking now so there's no need for me anymore. It's a shitty thing to realize but it's true. She doesn't give a damn. I was at my darkest, lowest point and instead of being a steadying friend to me she cut away and left me to my own devices. Proof enough that she doesn't really care about being a friend or anything about caring for me. I need to confront this with the raw truth that it requires: she just doesn't care. She asked me to live with her and then told me she "changed her mind" over fucking text. She is a coward. She won't even talk to me on the phone because she can't handle it. I don't know why but she uses that as a reason to avoid me. She is not a lion heart. She's just a liar.
Just a 30-something Ketopian enjoying butter and bacon as a lifestyle.